When I was younger, I always had a plan. I had lofty career aspirations by the time I was 6. Throughout high school, I desperately wanted to go to college. After high school I did just that, but quickly realized that I had no clue what to do with my life. I dropped out in an effort to prevent myself from wasting anymore of my valuable time or money. I figured I would take a year off and plan out the rest of my life, then jump right back in where I left off. Easier said then done.
When I turned 23, I decided to take action and work out a plan for myself. I literally sat down with a pen and paper, and wrote out a 7 year life plan for myself. The plan still exists on paper, trifolded and tucked away. I've decided not to look at it again until I turn thirty...waiting to see if the plan comes to fruition. I have very high hopes and incredible dreams for the next six years of my life. What does the plan consist of you ask? Well that's highly classified information. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you. Since I have already eluded to it, I will let you in on one goal. Going back to school.
Why doesn't life already come with some sort of plan? I think the whole idea of "free will" is great and all, but I would be much more confident with my future if I had someone coaching me on my every move. Maybe coaching isn't the word I'm looking for, maybe directing is a better term. I think I have reached some sort of crossroads in my life. I feel like I am being pushed and pulled in so many different directions, that my fight or flight response is kicking in. When it comes to others, I'm a fighter all the way...but when it comes to defending myself, I would much rather run away then face the music. And that is what it feels like I am doing. Running running running away.
It isn't that I am afraid of school, I think I am a rather clever and very motivated girl. The thought of going to school and not being mentally prepared to follow through and finish is what scares me. Am I going to be in this same boat 5 years from now? I know I am young, I know I have years to do this..but a part of me feels like this is my last chance. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, but in my mind I am only 95% certain I actually can. So why the hell is that 5% so scary to me?
I can't say I haven't been down this road before, and I can't say with any certainty that I won't travel it again in the future. I would like to say that this is it. I've had enough. But smoking cigarettes is such a part of who I am! I know that sounds horrible, and it's hard for me to come to grips with that, but it's true. I've tried other drugs before... but I was always able to walk away from them. Nicotine has had a hold on my life for the past 9 years. It eases my stress, calms my anger, and has served as a social crutch for as long as I can remember. Not to mention that nothing goes better with a cold drink than a cigarette.
The first time I tried to quit, I was 21. My grandmother had recently passed away after a long and very painful fight with lung cancer. My grandmother had smoked at least a pack a day her whole life. I though her passing would be enough motivation to quit, and for a few months it was. I quit cold turkey, had terrible withdrawls...cold sweats, irritability, headaches, the shakes...you name it. After 4 months without a cigarette, I picked one up at the bar. I figured I was strong enough to be a "social smoker", but within a few days I was back to a pack a day. I tried again a few months later, this time using nicotine gum. Disgusting. That time I only lasted a few weeks. The longest successful quitting period lasted 4 months.
This time I hope my relationship with cigarettes is over. Aside from the $1825 I spend on smoking every year, I am tired of waking up every morning with a cough that could stir the dead. I'm tired of my car, my clothes, my hair smelling like an ashtray. And I am just tired of smoking. I'm only on my third day of being cigarette free, but I already feel very optimistic about this new change. I haven't had any cravings thus far, I've been taking the new drug chantix on and off for the past week. The side effects I've discovered are very vivid and sometimes terrifying dreams, and a little bit of nausea. It does seem to ease my cravings tremendously though, so I think I'll stick with it.
This time, I think I can do it. Crossing my fingers.
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do you have this book? i'd love to check it out. the combunation of sex and nerdiness seems right up... read more
on Pin-up Grrrls: Feminism, Sexuality, Popular Culture